Above Him.

For my dear; your eyes did not see, that hope has been with us all along-for you to believe, that we are not alone.

...that the sun never failed to rise until the end of time, that the moon never failed to shine the roads at night, that the morning star never ceased to smile at daybreak, that hope never dies until you stop trying. that Allah is always there to watch over us all, that He never failed to keep us safe with guidance, that I believe there's nothing else above Him. 

-Sunday,11.33 a.m.

 

To my dears, with unshakable faith in His might and our abilities. We could go far, even farther. Let us promise we'll keep on running.

 

Good luck everyone, this would be one of my last posts for the semester. The last semester in home country. In a few months time, we'll be off, tears off these memories. Please pray, upon us all be there His blessings.

Firewalls.

"But I live in this cubicle of firewalls, can't you see? She said. And you are one who chose to stand out among all the other impostors-"

"-Impostors, you call?"

"Impostors," she strained the words.

"Who does what?"

"Who wishes for the world to leave, to vanish, when you yourself are too afraid to leave the world. Hah. Hedonism, that you crave for;"

"Silence!" The other hissed.

"No,you. Not me, not now."

"Oh you. Just what do you know about the world. Hedonism, you say, what do you know about the world!"

"I don't, not much maybe. Well has it any difference on you? What do you know about the world? Look at you. You're scared. Too scared to lose. Well if I am a Narcissist, I won't lie. You? You're too afraid you would lose this body to the ground, to the dirt, when one day your soul is sucked out of your lungs, you would scream-"

"Silence-"

"-you would scream, all these, everything, you feel that the world is going to leave, but it's going to be you! How you would wish that you could plead to stay, and you would scream, you would plead for everything to come with you,"

"-Shut up!!"

There was silence. Until she started to move her lips to speak again, head tilted to salute the pebbles near her toes.

"We live in two different worlds. We don't fit each other. I live in this cubicle of firewalls while you are the fire. You don't think you'd be able to knock on my door, do you?"

Every reason to walk away became a refugee, somewhere underneath locked closets of secrets. Too difficult to reach. An arm soon strove up. What is this feeling, this...


"You're a sad being. Huh. Too bad I am even worse. I waited for you."

As she turned she ripped it off. It was her heart, bleeding, beating. It slipped off her hand, effortlessly with a splatter the colour of crimson.

"Huh," She giggled. "Pitiful creature, me."

A little space for every petty things.

It was as I looked out the window to the street, and see my face upon the glass.

Salam.

It is two weeks now pass my birthday. Here's one thing I do every year when I turn a year older. I wish to change a thing, as I believe that it is only myself of which I own the rights to decide, about things that go and things that don't.

This year I turn 21, and I continued the tradition. I wished to change another thing, as an addition to the last few wishes since I started the trend few years back.

The matters that came and pass me got me through, touched my heart; left young scars, while some others tapped it gently, saying hello. I have been through quite a significant span of time, when everything happened. Things that confused me. Things that amused me.

I realised that I was climbing up gripping harder and harder. I took everything in, not leaving even a bit of everything behind. And soon it pained me, it pained me as I took it hard. I wished to be better, every now and then, I sing the same words with new tunes. But I left out one word in my songs.


I forgive but hardly forget. As the wind gets rougher, I abandoned the scent of forgiveness, and took up lessons on forgetting. That means that I would try my best to forget, while not having the need to forgive for I felt that it got heavier on my shoulders. Too heavy, I hesitated to let it slip down.

And I lived happily. Or at least I thought I did.

It was not until recently that I realised, that I couldn't go on living that way. I thought that I was good at forgetting, if not forgiving. Turned out that I was wrong, all wrong.

I did badly at both. I could neither forgive, while I meet dead ends trying to forget.

I did not love the taste of poisons being fed to my lungs, I hated the sight, but kept seeing the same anger. Lost hopes, abandoned dreams. I never left the field, the one I call my battlefield. I turn down the enemies of my emotions the way I desire, but still I didn't get to leave for home. I held my shield close, and pointed my pierce upright. But my enemies were shadows. They were shadows of the diminished.

I never left the field. Even if there was no one to front.

Now, still, the shadows stand amongst some concrete figures, the enemies I know, the ones that really exist. But they are not as much as the shadows. I could slowly curve a smile. Those days the flakes were hitting hard, it's always a grin of pain.

If only the battles were easier, it would not get this far. But I am grateful I found a way out, and I am glad that I am slowly finding my way.

I wished recently to change another thing. I wished that I would grow more forgiving, I wished that it would feel lighter, to forgive.


These scars, I don't know which would fade first. But I'd like to believe that they all would, in time. I would like to see every good things bloom again, and their yellow petals cover the scars as they heal. I hope to believe again, I hope never to fight shadows again. I pray to be strong, I pray that when the time comes that I need courage, it would come. I am never afraid to face the road, I will never stop walking them. It is what I found along the journey that matters. I should be picking up what's good- true friendship that comes only once in a long while, and advices my parents planned to share.