College Senior

Hullo.

I'm in my final year now. It's near the end of semester one, and soon we're going for practicum. My school's not a big one, we also did our research there so by now we've already come to know some of the office staffs well.

Ah the English teachers. At present there are six around, at times assisted (or distracted?) by pre-service teachers from our campus as we come and go. Well those finishing practicum this week are our juniors. We the seniors are only starting around... June. So you get the idea without me saying hopefully, that there are too few English teachers in the school, relative to the number of classes available. I think when it's our time it's gonna be a handful. Just look at the new teachers. They have too much in hand and for that, my warm regards to those teachers who work tirelessly around the clock regardless of the work burden they are trusted with.

That's about it on the school. I sure will update you soon in the next semester yes? Now let's talk about-sorry. I mean, let's read (you read, and I write) about the boring life of mine. Oh no here we go. Hystrix, those who claimed life to be boring actually haven't done enough to make it better.

Thanks for that friendly slap on the arm.

I haven't been doing my best to cope with works. I often find myself drained out of energy, but despite of that, my sweet friends and I managed to spice things up a bit. Thanks too, to those girls. :) We organised a tea party in college and invited our TESL juniors, that's the most exciting. Five of us with the help of other Cohort 2 girls aaand we had a magnificent evening with the junior sisters. We had tea of course, Australian Evening tea from TQ and peppermint from me (my favourite). You might not believe me when I say there were foodies, foodies everywhereeee. Cupcakes, mushroom soup, baguette, chocolate cake and biscuits and cupcakes and-oh I mentioned that. And these all made us come together for organising, managing and shopping-after some time of living our own lives since we came back from Sydney.

Credit: Mint Zulkifli

Definitely in many ways it's great to be home and in Penang. But there are also many good things about being  independent in Sydney. Life there pulled us closer together, and we often organised events as much as we attended invitations from both locals and fellow Malaysians. Great time, of course.

Some seniors have just reached KL after their graduation in good Macquarie University. Some decided to stay a little longer and eat Doner's Wrap in our Campus Hub, go to Sydney Fish Market and what not. I envy. :p Yes we're here missing Macquarie so much and it at least made us feel better to see seniors' graduation photos. Next year let's hope we can be there too inshaAllah. Working hard.

Here are some photos of our twin university for you to have a look at, and for me to weep about in longing. I honestly miss this place.

Macquarie Theatre after a face-lift. Photo courtesy of Macquarie University on facebook. Jealousy at best

Exterior of the newly redesigned Macquarie Theatre

Entrance to our favourite library.

Library with some taste of art!

Cosy work space

Towards the entrance and exit of the library

Where we lazed around while waiting for study partners

Macquarie University Village (MUV), the students' residence once used for Commonwealth Games Village.

Towards the Macquarie Uni Sports and Aquatic Centre (MUSAC)

MUSAC

Macquarie Theatre after dark

Uh... what else do I have to say. Yes. Sorry I haven't been around to write things for you to read. I know some of you came and left frustrated (or at least that's what I thought) because I haven't put up any updates since forever. I hate me when I don't write. Pardon me please? I am living a disorganised college senior's life, and it affects everything-from reading to writing to blogging. Blogging is also writing but when I say writing that means my academic essays. They're all written to be submitted, not studied. I didn't feel that I engrossed  in working on my writing like I seriously did in my third year. I wrote and submitted. Dull academic life, trust me. And to make it worse I left this blog where I leisure-write unattended for long. Pinch me if you must. Ouch!

If I could get advice from graduates about how to live and work better as a student, you know that you're more than welcome to lecture me.

Apart from other things- I almost forgot, it's difficult to park cars on campus due to limited parking space but yeah whatever-I am well. Just that I sometimes caught flu when I hadn't had enough sleep, and started to need more coffee at times. For all other things I'm excited about this year. You'd pray that I have a good final year wouldn't you? :)

Last. I love you. Oh and that reminds me of the many friends who tied the knot and more coming our way. You bet, I've been asked when I'm going to jump on the bandwagon for at least six times up to now. Go ahead, I'm okay here. You're around. I have everything I need for now, inshaAllah.

You, you and you. Thanks for coming. People like me should be grateful you still care to come and read. Haih. I can't guarantee to write consistently frequent, but I can promise you I'll try to do better.

The only paper I have to sit for examination will be on May 8th. Me and group mates finished microteaching this morning. Fun. And two more essays to go. Yup, that's all.

Get enough rest, don't turn into a panda like me. Do your assignments well and finish them early.

Hugs kisses bye love you. Assalamualaikum.


p/s: all photos are from my collection unless stated. All photo credits go to their owners. Thanks to Macquarie Uni, (they'll never read this) Che' Lah and Min. (they might read this) lol  :)

Two Common Things

Assalamualaikum, and greetings.

Well two common things about this post and the time I have left in Sydney is; that they won't be long.

This post serves just as a friendly note to my dearest readers that I'm still around, I need you to forgive me for not writing for a long while, and that I will be back writing very soon, taking a few days to complete what I hope will be a commentary on current happenings of course. And maybe another about my reflection after about two years of living an 8-hours-flight away from home. Nah that's not really far compared to some others living continents away from home. But yes, wherever you are there's always something to learn about.

My stay in Sydney is coming to an end, in December my cohort friends and I will be making our way home to dear Malaysia. I still remember posting an entry when I was about to fly for Sydney. It was raining, I was writing it in my teaching college, and it doesn't feel like two years ago. But for relatives and good friends waiting in Malaysia, two years seems to not move at all, it's totally a different story.

I'm trying to keep this entry simple because I need to continue reading. But you know how I love keeping you reading my long entries, ehe! Okay not today. ;)

So if it doesn't take much of your time I kindly ask of your favour to say a little prayer for our fellow brothers and sisters in Gaza, Syria, Burma and everywhere. I will talk more, I know there's a lot about this to discuss, but later if you don't mind. In the meantime please pray for me and my friends too, some of us finished their exam, I'll be sitting mine on November 23rd, my blog partner on 26th. That should mean Whatever-Luna will be back with entries soon. Soon is whenever ideas strike. :)

Take care my sweethearts, see you very soon. Be safe wherever you are. Lots of love. :) <3 p="p">

Staying Falling in Love

It's difficult to stay. Falling in love.

But falling feels so good you just want to keep falling. Down, down, deeper into this love. We're humans we have no wings. We can't fly. No, this isn't about surviving the fall.

It's plainly about falling.

Your heart shrinks. But you know it won't hurt, you won't break your backbone hitting the ground. No, it was promised. It's about the fear, and your facing it, and this bizarre; fear-facing exercise you're currently in. It just feels good, this falling.

Down and deeper.

The shrinking feeling slowly turns into something you struggle to describe, but enjoy so much. It's a mix of thrill, growing confidence, the want for more, and strangely...love. Strangely love.

The shrinking feeling now turns into that butterfly-in-my-stomach-like sense you have when you see your crush. Nah-this is way better. You recall gazing in admiration the face of your crush but you don't recall this very feeling with every glance. This is obviously something more special you just start to believe it's true. True love you call it now, unlike the previous others.

That feeling when you're giving your best to the ones you care about.
That feeling when you know you're safe because they're always around.
That feeling of never-ending excitement of seeing your loved ones again.
That feeling of winning a chess game with just another move.
That feeling of some cold sea breeze against your smile.
That feeling of watching the most beautiful sunrise.

That falling in love and never wanting to stop because you know it's going to be fine.

Have you ever felt that?

I did, so many times, but this time it's really different-unlike the many times I hated falling in love-this time I just want to keep falling,

because I'm falling for The One, I know He will catch me. His promises none unravelled to be other than truth.

Don't trust me, trust Him. Excuse me while I fall in love but you might want to take a step into this bliss you'll want to keep falling in.

Independent Eid

2012.

Final year in Sydney. Malaysia awaits, I have to admit that my problem is Sydney is so mesmerising but it is nothing near to home. Things I find in Sydney I don't in Malaysia, but a reverse of this is more significant it keeps Malaysia dearest to my heart, always.

Eid was better this year than the last, alhamdulillah and so was Ramadhan too.

Happy 55th Independence Day, Malaysia. Being away taught me a lot about ways to love you more honestly. These couple of years have done a great deal teaching me how it's like to be free, to appreciate freedom, but I know it deep inside that there's always a truth in 'you never know the value of something until you lose it.' For this, I really hope whoever is reading this to know, that our lives is more than just about winning a fight. It's about protecting what we're blessed with. Peace, a land to live on and call home. Well the Palestinians and Syrians don't-and even that being the case-they are proud to do the honour defending whatever they've got with all might. People die every day and it's an honour for their families. Here we are wondering if we've done enough for our country. If ever.

Other than that-

please forgive my shortcomings, I hope my writings continue to benefit you in every way. It has always been a pleasure to write, be read, and to know you're there.

Eid Mubarak. If it's not too late. Nah, it's never too late for something good. ;)

Take care, lots of love.

Assalamualaikum.

Come Autumn March.

I've got a feeling, that our neighbours' hosting a party.

As it was yesterday, tonight is drenched in melancholic rain come autumn March. Someone's playing continuous sleepy tune on the guitar. There was always him and his guitar across the road all the recent nights as I settled on a new bed. Tonight along it goes with the soft natters. Up and down like a feather on a ripple, its subtle sound waves cruise the chilly air through any open door and window.

My day's notes now an armrest. To one side of the noir notepad a dark red vessel houses a damp teabag the scent of strawberry. In bizarre harmony I sit, typing this, as it goes.

The rain's its music. Nobody's humming. Only that it sometimes gets heavier, yet honestly too soft the newborns of His clouds bursting into tiny pearls as they fall head-first onto the earth..

***

Frequent Flyer

Assalamualaikum.

I miss you. And I admit, I have been around but not really committing the best of times to sit down and write.

Now that I am, do hang around for a while. :)

On the flight home I sat with a mother and her teenage boy. That night, EK409 was crowded with people. I mean really crowded with people it unusually felt like hopping on a bus to balik kampung. Yeah there were all sorts of people. All these while I've been on MAS and MAS only, so the sight of passengers from all walks of life-and too many of them-is rare.

You can't judge a book by its cover but my impression told me that the woman and her son were in search for a new start, or I don't know, but they didn't look happy. The teenage boy talked not more than a couple of times to his mother, and his mother can speak but one or two English words. They both left their entertainment set switched off from the start of the journey, and never looked away from the emptiness of the black screen they gazed at. The boy looked out of the window from time to time, and yeah-that's fairly it, nothing much they did, except for the mother waking me up merely after half an hour of me finally getting my eye-shut. Three words she said; and those were "Excuse me? Toilet."

Wait-I'm not a toilet! But you get what she meant, she wanted to go to the loo, a message delivered using the least number of words possible, true?

So I found myself struggling in between the lost seat belt to let her through. And later struggling with my own muse.

I-and this is a fact-hardly fall asleep on the plane. I prefer enjoying the view or simply watching movies and reading books. And once I was awake the question that struck me much earlier revisited. What was the woman up to? What could she be doing alone with her child, where she came from, can she really converse in English-and if not-who booked her ticket and exactly how did she get herself and her boy on the plane to a country where English is a second language?

Now please don't get me wrong. I am a future teacher and it is my job to understand how things are, why they are so, and how to reach out. I learn about all sorts of school of thoughts and how to teach but when I open my eyes to the real world it is not the 'ideal classroom' out there or in this case an 'ideal world' we're living in.

Which has always been a surprise that is always there on the doorstep.

In an ideal atmosphere variables do not exist therefore all the teaching and learning theories we learn are almost 100% applicable. In an ideal world you plan what you want to do, and it happens the way you want it to. But this isn't an ideal world we're living in. It's what we call the real world, from which we learn how luck can turn its back at us. So in this real world case, how on Earth did the mother manage to get herself and her son on a plane to Malaysia-for whatever reason it is-when everything she needs to get done from booking a ticket to checking in to board the plane-is done in English?

***

Look. What I want myself to think about, at the end and apart of my wondering about whether I've brought along my Malaysian sim card in my bag, is what is going to become of me. What I saw, throughout the short seven-hours-journey impacted me massively in realising what's happening around me, how it is true that English language-like it or not- is a lingua franca everyone must be really keen of mastering, and how I and my fellow cohort will one day play a critical role as a supporter of learning, ready or not. And this is where we will get to practise theories we learned, then succeed or maybe fail, understand why certain ways work while others don't, and prepare back up plans for future steps.


Our mission is one: to assist learners become a functioning part of the society.


Until teachers become a functioning part of the society themselves, inspiring and supporting the society's development will remain a beautiful vision we see but sadly can't achieve.


Oh yes. I believe I haven't been on the most unpredictable parts of my journeys just yet. So haven't I seen the best of views from many angles there are. I am now a second year student, soon a third year, a future teacher, trying my best-despite the limitations of mindsets I am accustomed with-to get a better view of where I am and how far I've come in every step I take.


The best of surprises is there to come, insya Allah, and when it's here I believe teachers better be ready to open our eyes to see, and hold out our hands to embrace whatever it is the future throws in.



You have a great week. :)

Just maybe.

Maybe. Just maybe it's true, that I am childish and I love dragons so much. Maybe it's true, that until I grow up there's no room for love in the heart. People come and go. Well, go, if you want.

But you need to know. Love is a pain in the neck. When it's untrue. Who cares if I love dragons so much. I will grow up. Loving what pleases me while not displeasing others. Good deal huh?

You should only stop being yourself if it hurts yourself and others. In other cases, you deserve the sunshine of a smile. So smile. You are your own sunshine, if you can only see.

Assalamualaikum.

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To the edge!

What's best about losing is-

knowing that you put all your guts to the edge and that you're strong enough believing in possibilities.


And even if you didn't make it, you tried making something good out of whatever you've got, didn't you?


Allah sends us different people at different times when we need them. I know and believe that He loves us so much, He sends His love through everyone around you and me when we need a friend. Let's not worry too much about that, yeah? :)


My gratitude to Ayah, Ibu, Encik Zahari, Kak Odah, Natrah Rafie, Azhan Zaffuan, and all my dear friends near and far. Knowing that someone else believes in you makes giving up look totally pointless. Their words in sum spell out 'k.e.e.p g.o.i.n.g'. And so I will. Who cares if I'd fall and hurt, Allah's always around for some comfort and love. :)

Assalamualaikum. :)

A quick one;

Assalamualaikum.

Ada assignment nak hantar Isnin ni. Artikel belum cukup. Guitar test on Wednesday. Jari-jari nak tukar chord pun tergelecek sana-sini lagi. Haih. -_-' Pray for me please, my fingertips feel a bit numb from yesterday's practice. Tu pun belum cukup lagi. Raya? Hah don't talk about Raya. Raya ikut dan je la jawabnya. Biskut raya pun belum buat tau. Ibu bagi resipi Biskut Snowball entah bila nak buat.


Penat la minggu lepas, minggu ni pulak sibuk. But I'm loving my life and every second of it. Right now my baby lemur tengah baring on my stomach, and my lappy's on my lap. Yes, I do my work on bed. Tu pasal la suka mengantuk baca buku. Last night the textbook read my face. Not what it should be doing. You don't work like I do if you have access to proper study space. I filled my study space dengan buku and...papers. That's why. Even if it's not messy pun, (at the time of writing this it's a bit messy) I won't use it either. Sebab meja tu bertingkat so my laptop x boleh bukak habis. Humh. Takpe. Katil kan ada. :p

That photo (yang atas) got through Salam Perantauan. For a few days ucapan Cohort 2 masuk surat khabar. Adakah perantau lain tak memberi saingan yang cukup sengit sampai boleh masuk berulang kali? Cepat hantar! (sendri pun tak hantar lagi). Yes,yes. I'm tryinggg. Oh, I'm the one sitting in red kurung, third from your right hand side. Salam Aidilfitri dari kami untuk keluarga,pensyarah-pensyarah dan guru-guru serta rakan-rakan yang sentiasa diingati. :D


You take care. I need to read my article and finish it before..well, as fast as possible. Time's racing against us.

Byes! Me loves you.

<3

p/s: Work hard, it's near the end of Ramadhan. Tahun depan belum pasti. Ayuh. :)

Transition #2:Special Trifles Worth Exchanging For

Assalamualaikum.

Duduk Sydney mana boleh bawak kereta. If you do, it means that you have enough amount to cater for your daily needs plus transportation needs-you know, fuel is something people argue about for taking the most out of a fortnight's pay dekat Australia ni, mahal tau harga petrol. It could also be that you're good at managing your financial needs without having to have that much amount of money in your account.

Eh, ni dah silap topik. :)

So me, being neither, takes the bus or train to everywhere. And I listen to my music player a lot. Always. My cohort friends recognise me with a set of earphones. One day, out of the blue I thought: "I stuck this earphones all the time while travelling. If I was listening to zikirs or nasyids, wouldn't it be something far better?"

It's like doing nothing, listening to songs, and getting some peace of mind.

or

Doing nothing, listening to zikirs, and getting some peace of mind sealed with countless of rewards.


Kan? If I listen to songs and songs only, I get to relax, but only while it lasts. If I let myself be immersed into zikirs, I get to relax and as long as it goes, I get rewards. Isn't He kindhearted in many beautiful ways? He rewards us for doing ourselves good, and refrains from punishing until we commit sin. Even then, He waits for us to repent, and would gladly erase our sins if we really quit committing them.

Where else on Earth can you find such a deal?

Nowhere.


And it makes it even sweeter to think about it this way: if you love music just as much as I do, and you keep searching for the kind that pleases you the way I do, it's just because when your soul was created, you heard the voice of God, remembered how soothing it sounded, and now scorch the world just to listen to the beautiful voice again, only to end up searching for such a beauty in the voice of His creations, never the one as perfect as His. Every soul, before life was blown into it, was asked by Allah if he wills to live in the living world, to face tests, to be His loyal servants. We heard Him once, and knew how wonderful He sounds.

This life is a journey, a search. I walk my path in search of Him. You walk yours, in search of the same. We all walk our different roads to one ending point. We will meet Him one day, and along our journey He gives us many options to choose from for Him to reward us.


Tell me, what harms are there in rewarding yourself in the simplest ways possible, like saving some copies of nice nasyids into your playlist and echoing to selawats while you enjoy the view through your car window, or-in my case-bus? ;p Come on friend, kick start by browsing Youtube for some nasyids you have in mind. Try 'Yusuf Islam', search for some qasidahs (poems) (try qasidah burdah), or anything. It doesn't have to be about love to Allah only, it can also be about love among creatures, Father and Son, whatever it is that soothes you. Then continue to look for more, listen to the lyrics, understand them and let it be a part of you. They are little pieces of a bigger, inspiring story of living with love to The One.

Trust me. I used to, and still do listen to Keane, Franz Ferdinand, and yes, Avenged Sevenfold. But what has loving their music to do with me and my true love Allah? I search for a beautiful essence in songs I listen to until I realised that it's not there, not anywhere. It's in me, waiting to be discovered. The elixir is in our hearts. In fact, what these musics give to me does not compare to what Allah does. He awards me with sweetness in every prayer, love in my tears, amazement in my thoughts. Obviously not something to be found in Keane's sweetest melody or A7X's adrenaline rush, whatever-you name it. It's a feeling of bliss every time I whisper to Him, that I search for. It's...different. Extraordinarily one of a kind, something that completes the missing piece of life.

I can be no way more amazed about the Seven Wonders of the World than I can be about how Allah awards all of His servants the same air to breathe, never runs out of it, water to drink, knowledge to live, and the same opportunity to succeed-what's left is to only work towards achieving. Tell me, how can I be more amazed about one thing when everything around me is within His power? It's because of Him that mankind are capable to built the highest of skyscrappers. It's because of Him that people speak in unique languages that distinguish them from one another. It's because of Him that mankind has the knowledge and ability to study the planets thousands of miles beyond reach. It's because of Him that we meet and love each other. It's all because of Him. Aren't we lucky.


Take these little trifles in exchange to what have made up your life all the while. Take the chance, do the simplest things of all:

Immerse yourself in the most pleasing ways of living with Islamic lifestyle; such as

1. wearing wonderful, comfortable clothes that cover your aurat, 
2. listen to soothing zikrullahs, and slowly add up the number in your playlist, 
3. go sightseeing, and gaze at His magnificent creations, think of your existence and how lucky you are to be the best of creations.
4. often say 'subhanallah, how amazing is that!' instead of 'wow!' or 'OMG!' (I'm not saying it's bad to say OMG, it's okay to, substituting is just a training to familiarise ourselves with words of appraisal to Allah,ya?)
5. make friends, have them around as your brothers/ sisters, love them, and be loved by them.
6. love the way you live, and love it even more when you start doing 1-5 plus some other you might think of in addition.

Just one thing to remember. Avoid overdoing something, when you want to try something new. In going through a transition there is no need to rush. Take your time, enjoy the while, and do not feel that you have to dump your old self just because you want to be different. Oh c'mon, you can't go dump yourself. You just add up to the parts of your life, and improvise. You will enjoy it, in sya Allah.

Me loves you much. May Allah bless. ;)

Transition #1: Look Around

Assalamualaikum.

I don't know why, but I have the feeling that it gets harder to write day by day. Looks like it has become more and more true, (regardless of the many times that I doubted myself) that I spend more time thinking and abandoning the thoughts than writing about it in this blog.

It's now winter break. I'm home because this Aidilfitri I won't be together with family celebrating the big day. Ha, my first experience of celebrating Raya with the peoples down under. :) Rasakan. But I find that staying away  teaches me a lot about love and sacrifice. Dulu masa dekat maktab, study bukanlah sesuatu yang senang. Mana-mana pun macam tu. Whenever you face a challenge you can't stop to tremble over it, you carry on. It's nothing different, no matter where you go. The more I believe in it, the harder life feels.

Macam mana agaknya ya. Dugaan datang umpama bayang. Tak putus-putus mengekori. Hati juga kadang rasa lemah, letih, bila yang dikasihi berada jauh dari pandangan mata, jika dikhabarkan pun, akan sayulah hati kesayangan-kesayanganku itu, Ayah dan Ibu. Itupun sudah cukup banyak yang mereka korbankan demi anak yang seorang ni. Jadi pada siapa sebenarnya tempat berpaut?

Kita hidup dilingkungi kuasa Pencipta kita. Tak ada apa yang lebih berkuasa dariNya. Tuhan itu berkuasa atas tiap-tiap sesuatu. Tak ada makhluk yang diuji melebihi dari apa yang mampu ditanggunggnya. Bukan kita tak tahu. Tapi jika 'redha' itu boleh disukat, seberapa dalamkah redha kita menerima ujian Allah?

Tak tahu. I can't even tell how ready I am whenever His tests come in my way. Because time and again, I need to be reminded. Of how dependent I am to Him. Of how true the fact is, that He owns my life, sets my destiny, determines my path. Of how I would be in despair if I don't grab the chance to pray to Him and ask for nothing but the best.


Because, my friend, He listens. He listens to your every prayer, pays attention to your every whining, waits for the second when you will finally stop complaining about how life's been cruel to you and bow your head to Him, tell Him that the faith in Him keeps you running.

Allah is the Most Merciful. I believe that no matter how troubled I am, I am good because He made me. You are too, because He made you.

Our existence is the most beautiful fact about being alive. Living is another thing, but first is the chance Allah gave us-to live. Souls are created but not all make it. We made it, somehow. With His grace. Come to think of it, what's life if it's all bed of roses? What's life if you get rewards without tests? What's life if it's not your diary of struggles and inspiring stories of success? What's life then, if it's not those?

Allah rewards those with outstanding patience. Outstanding patience. Work towards it, because there is no parameters as of to how outstanding your efforts are. It's something very subjective and most importantly, it's His to decide.

Look around you. Isn't the world beautiful? Isn't it lovely how the Sun rises in the East and sets in the West? Isn't it lovely how the Moon lights up your nights and the stars glimmer to decorate the skies? Isn't it magnificent how you exist with all other living organisms but you differ greatly to them? Isn't it mindblowing to think of how the Earth exists for you to call home, while you know that there are zillions of other existences across the atmosphere and you're not there but here on the Earth, pondering about the creations around you?

Isn't it magnificent how tiny your little self is, compared to the Universe, all of those which is no one's but His own?

Your breath-my breath-is something unthinkable. Let alone this life He awards us with. Alhamdulillah. Forgive me Allah, for my wrongdoings. Forgive me, for whining. Forgive me, for making you wait. Forgive me, for not asking to You humbly. Forgive me, if my faith ever gets shaken by Your tests. Forgive me, for not being at my best.


I need You.


*photo taken at Bruni Island, Tasmania, Aus. June 29, 2011.

Our Queens.

There is no one specific day for our mother. Each day is a day to say "Thank you, mother, for holding my hand, and never letting go." It's just that today, everyone around the world says it together.

Thank you, Ibu. :')

Blanket for my Princess.

2011 hit its seventh day. I'm not writing any 'Happy New Year Peeps!' post-in fact this is an ordinary entry that kicked in the draft box on the fourth day of the new year, and gets published on the seventh. So how has it been going for ya? Well every year we make a new wish as I do too, but I think what's more important rather than renewing wishes every year; is putting them into reality. Because visions will be left as manifestations of fantasy if no serious actions are taken in realising them. Above all the point is, renewing goals every year is a good practice, if enforced with proper deeds towards making them happen. Yeah you know, action speaks louder than words so come, let us make our dream a reality today, because nobody can tell if there would be another tomorrow.



In 2010 three of my friends left. It made me think that something about the world nowadays have changed a lot that life is no longer too easy to predict. Anyone can leave regardless of their age, and it doesn't matter if you have achieved what you aim for. My friends who passed were all of the same age as me. Their death really marked a scene in my diary. It made me realise, that there are so much I haven't done just yet. And if it's not now, I don't know if there will be another year-because nobody sees the future.



The recent phone call I received from a close friend about the death of our dear girl Cha, tore me apart. It has been three wasted years until I finally get to hear her name again, and that's when she's no longer around. Personally I am left to ponder about what I have done, or could have done. While she was around, she had been a splendid companion, a wonderful friend, an evidence that unconditional love does exist. The memory of life in matriculation; while we  were together, were our sunshine. I, on the other hand, disregarded my responsibility as a friend. Upon knowing I trembled into tears and hated myself for being so careless. I came to a resolution that I need to admit the mistake and make a good lesson out of it. yes, it sure did cause a great deal of pain. You know the feelings of losing a best friend when you would never hear her voice again.


Being a friend isn't as simple as saying it. It's as difficult as being one. But for someone who would do anything for you, who would place your head on her shoulder when you cry, who would laugh at your jokes and share your bed for pillow talk, why can't you do the same? Why is it difficult for me to be everything she is to me? Oh she meant a lot of things, she was one of my sunshines. I could've been her sunshine too. But when it's time I wonder if I was. If I have done her what she deserved.


Being a friend is not as easy.




Ayah,Ibu, all my family members, and friends. This year I aim to be more affectionate, to be more sensitive. Because you mean the world to me.

Al-Fatihah:
My grandma;
Hasmah

And friends;
Rumizah Rosman (Mija, SRK J6 '01)
Abdillah Hafiz (Dillah, IPG KPP '10)
Fatin Noraishah (Cha, KMPk '07)

You fought your way bravely. I love you more than I can say.

Everyone, have a blessed year and make a change in your life. In everyone's around you too, for the best. Be their sunshine.

Over Dinner Plates.

After a few nights stay, I ran out of ideas of where to bring my parents for dinner. True, I spent two and a half years in Penang. But we don't eat out often. We students save money. For fuuuuture. :)


Salam.


So it's the...fifth night stay, and it's only tonight, that we ate some place else. It has always been by the seaside and a few other restaurants we frequent when my parents came by to see how I was doing once in a while-but you know, two weeks stay doesn't take that as a deal. Apparently, pals;

we were just going to have our dinner in any restaurants down in Queensbay when Ayah saw a place just nearby. So tonight we had our dinner in an Indian restaurant (it's Penang, best known for Indian restaurants, nasi kandar, pasemboq, Chinese delicacies, and...don't let me go on!) where we got each of ourselves served with briyani.

Oh, I forgot, it was raining. So there were too few people around. In fact there were us three, only.

I hold on to this one formulae on my first visits to restaurants. Walk in the ones with lots of people, it might be  well known for good service and good meals, and avoid ones that are hardly occupied. But it doesn't always work. Like tonight. That's the threehundredandfourteenth time that I got to prove the formulae wrong. It's running obsolete, I know. Don't use that. The one we had our dinner in this evening was splendid. And I'm not saying this halfhearted. I should say that the dishes were great, if not excellent.

The owner and his fellow workers were wonderfull too. The background was a harmonious fusion of classic contemporary Indian music and colourfull ceiling ornaments, service's good, they even sat across our table for a chat.In short, it was a fine dine-out. But I won't be writing if it was only that.


While the restaurant owner greets Ayah, I was putting my senses to work. A simple "Bang," ("Hey there,") distracted my monologue. The owner curved out a McDonald's smile to us. When I say McDonald's, I mean an effortless smile, right from the heart. It was later that he drew the chair out to sit down and have a little chat.

"If this sincerely isn't for business purposes," I said to myself, "this is good enough."

I mean, national unity is beautiful. Come to think of it, our Malaysia is one out of too few the number of countries in which different races call themselves 'at home'. All under one roof. You see, in many countries not everyone enjoy the same blessings of safety and prosperity in equality. Too many, to tell; suffer from civil wars, conflicts and disputes to no end. Our beloved birth land too, once shared a heart-tearing memory of  state of urgency, some time ago in 1969. 13th May. I hate to remember how KL, Penang, and some other big cities looked like in archive photos during the period. It was awful, we were separated, when it is not a lie that we used to walk hand-in-hand before it all happened. Blood coloured the roads crimson, tranquil villages were shaken with the fact that guerrillas could be hiding anywhere in nearby forests, carrying guns of fatality.


The fact is disturbing. Just imagine, how could you afford to live in such horror? I can't even imagine how our ancestors did. If it's nowadays, do you think you can leave your mp3, your laptop, your PSP, your room, your school, college, your house, and biggest of all, your FAMILY? C'mon, I can only stand a week without my cellphone. Now close your eyes and picture how our lives would be like, should a misfortune befall us. We can't even bear a day without technology, now, can you imagine leaving all your loved ones behind, and you won't even have the time to let the thought about not having tech gadgets around cross your mind? All we would have the time for is to think about how to survive. And whether your loved ones are safe. Can you imagine seeking refuge somewhere alien with enough food for only half a day, fasting for the other half and wearing the same shirt for weeks, not certain if tomorrow you'd still be breathing?


I can't afford to lose what we have right now. It's not about how long I can live without my cellphone, my mp3, my laptop or anything else. I love this gift of God. If it's not us, no one else would protect our land from destruction. And we can't be our cancer. We can't afford to live with false hope that we're not dying, when somewhere inside us we're actually bleeding. Our nation must live, and we must keep our faith alive until the end of time. Among ourselves, let it be only trust, love, and not betrayal. We have been living good all the while, and I want to hold on believing that we will stay so, for the rest of the our days' life.


Now smile a bit, I don't want to hurt you with my words. I just want you to get it straight from the bottom of my heart. I mean every single word I say. It's my fear that I wish to share with you, and along with it, is my hope.


I'm a fan of many dishes of non-Malay origin. I'm sure that you too, in many ways, are attached to some other race's culture. We speak Manglish, a unique composition of Malay's "lah..", Indians "uh?", and Chinese's "ma!" in one accent. We all eat Mi Mamak and crave for more, sip teh tarik with its bubbles popping on our lips, enjoy crunching on fried chicken dumplings over evening meetings with friends and head out for Nasi Lemak on Sunday mornings.



When there's already too much that we share, will we stay on opposing sides for silly reasons or be by each other's side when hard time knocks on the door? If storm comes, will we be safe together, or will we be looking around for a lost friend?


I don't want to think of reasons why we should fight. I want to think of reasons why we should stay together. Because national unity, is too precious to lose. And I can't live without it. Even if I do, I know I should live better with it. It's our pulse, it's mine too. We should live better as long as we keep ourselves on the path.


Thank You, Allah, for giving me this opportunity to live in Malaysia.


Love you, always. :)

While Mobile Blog Was Around,

Salam!

While I was away, I blogged through my phone. And I did it out of desperate needs to write and share. Ever since, I discovered an additional beauty of blogging, that is; when it can easily be done on-the-go, a photo intact. Two simple, meaningful sentences would be just enough-perfect, to keep the photo company. If I can tell you how delighted I am to mobile-blog, I'd put it this way; "coooooooool!!"


Uhm. But the bad news is that, I have learned to love writing brief entries through Blogger Mobile quite a deal, that I forgot how to write an entry that would suit the normal Blogger. My point is: I can't put my thoughts into-at least-a 150-words-paragraph. If you frequent writing essays, 150 words aren't much. It's too short, in fact. And I can't do that too, now.


I'm working something out to fix this. I hope I'll be posting an entry soon, like the ones you've always known me for. Longer than two sentences.


p/s: how many words are there already in this one?


Byes!

Permanent Stand-In.

A permanent stand-in,
To take you over
Hurt me so bad, I've been counting the years-

-Now it has turned two.

And I wonder if life-to you; is something true.

***


My porcupine brother brought me the memories of being a Lab Technologist. He's straining his eyes to dig into 'kidney failure', which simply is awesome. I used to be a Lab Technologist in UKM. I was a trainee. I learned about lab equipments, about viruses, about cells, and everything in between. We were middlemen, unsung heroes who work underground. We don't see patients, but nurses send us samples from doctors, which would be analysed (by us), before a patient can know if he's unwell.

Simply put, we Technologists rock. We wake up every morning at 4.30 am. Ride the UKM bus at 5.30 or 6.00 am, be in the middle of KL around 7, and reach our 'school', the HUKM or KL campus at 8. Rocks. We rock.

-for not failing to carry the same routine day by day, which makes us disciplined. For singing to the radio in our bus every morning-that's like enjoying every day with a jovial kick-start. For arriving to the campus (or hospital) and sipping in the smell of a hospital the way someone else would sip a cup of coffee for breakfast. For sitting on the couch near our lecture room, overlooking Cheras and KL from atop the building while waiting for classes to start. For walking into the dissection hall, torturing our nostrils with the vapour of formaldehyde and fixed specimens (humans and animals) and never running out of fear. For laughing at a senior when he ruins his ribbon of an organ or breaks his glass slide. For dissecting a dead man's leg and seeing who's the gentlest for the most unbearable task. For going off after 'work' at 5 pm, and washing the smell of dead creatures off our shirts. For sleeping at night with our lab coats (the smell of death intact) hung on the wall, and for walking proud technologists the following days. Every day.


For keeping the memory alive. I am proud to be blessed with the chance to feel how it's like to be a Lab Technologist. Which is out of the universe.


And every job in the world rocks too, in each of its own ways. We serve the people in our respective part to keep life going for everyone. Yeah,we all rock. ;) Thank YOU.

Salam. :)

Duh-at (that), was all.

(clears throat)

So off we were, me driving WLT and my father driving another car. Instead of having two trips of carrying luggage we ended choosing another option that we thought would ease the task of carrying my things to our hometown.  It was to bring two cars and stuff everything in the two. Yup, it's my last semester in Penang, so the room had been emptied.


Now all I want to do is-well, I'll need a list. Watch t.v., cartoons, feed my fish, feed' em again, go to C.M., buy myself a new black bracelet (boleh tak Bu?) chat and laugh with my dear cousin till late night, and in short-in fact this isn't what you'd call a list kan,-in short I want to do everything I've almost forgotten about these 2 and a half years. A friend once asked me if I watch t.v. in campus and what I said went something like,

"Rupa t.v. tu cemane pun dah lupe."

"Awh Hystrix, you ni lebih-lebih la..!"

I know Jas! XD I mean, if you're one of those who has ever had the chance to deal with me, you'd know that I'm too much engaged to chores everyone else is doing; plus extras, in which I volunteer in:
Cohort Secretary, KSB Vice Secretary, KPA Cohort Representative, KPA Debate Competition Banner and Programme Book Unit Leader, TESL Night Secretary, Raya Feast and TESL Night MC, and Chalkie Bloggies Club Moderator(the one which didn't stand any chance for activities despite having two planned). Most of the time I indulged in the opportunity to learn through it, but there were times in which I found myself anxious about not having so much time to rest.

I have been one who enjoy having acquaintances around, but have not had much opportunity of doing it.

Say, Pedagogy would take around three hours a week, without any extra class. Which means that it could take up to five hours a week. And Pedagogy, most sincerely, was hell because of the way it was taught. People were required to do so much but not express themselves liberally in an equal manner. I know that's one vague statement. I mean, we were required to go a hundred extra miles every day for every task, for every activities and for everything-but when it comes to mass lectures you can safely plug in earphones to your ears because you are only required to stay awake and watch presentations. That had too little to do with any points listed in the pro forma.

And during class discussions you would need to pay attention and be really mindful when expressing your thoughts-for you might be simply rained with bullets of disapproval from the observer, should your notion intercepts hers. She- who sits somewhere behind you, watching everyone. And classes would end with threats about failures that happen every year, the way lectures would be initiated with.

Ah, just imagine. How relaxing. If Pedagogy alone would take that much time out of us TESOL 3-ians, how much time do we have left for leisure? And with happenings in campus which I had great interest in joining the workforce, how much time would I have left? And when I finally discovered that I have not been enjoying and benefiting much from Pedagogy classes, it was too late.


And so recently I got the chance to talk with Dr. Coutts, who came all the way from Macquarie University to moderate our examination (and assignments) marks. That was my first face-to-face experience. I was nervous about the probability that I might not catch her words in her supernova Aussie slang-but nope, I did, though I missed some shots.Goodness, help me.


THESAURUS, MALAYSIAN STUDENTS' ALL-TIME FAVOURITE.

She asked me what was in my head, when I was writing the assignment. It was a violation of language. No fair share of language skills utilisation existed with coherent ideas in it. I wrote rubbish, in a malevolently elevated level of language until it made little sense in the end, while it sounded more like an attempt of expressing ideas in flowery language. Yup, malevolent. I told her I wanted to impress someone. By it- she was frustrated, just the way I was. And that someone I wanted to impress so badly was my Pedagogy lecturer. Because I felt too much intimidated by her discouraging appreciation towards everyone's effort to do well in class all the while. So much until some of us ended up cursing or crying. Cruel.

Off with the flashback.

"Did you write with a thesaurus beside you?" Dr. Coutts inquired.
"That's a way of learning," I replied.

To my surprise, she shooked her head. "That's common among Malaysian students," was her response.

"Uhm? But I think that's a good way to-"

"Australian students don't do that. Well-when you're writing you want people to understand what you're writing about, not to wonder about it. I mean good writers write in simple sentences so it would be easy to understand their ideas, rather than to have complicated sentences and not having it understood by anyone."

Awkward. That does make sense, doesn't it? It does.

But what I did, was-playing with words. I enjoyed the game-the art, if I'm privileged to have it called so. It has been my all-time favourite. Hey, don't you use thesaurus too? I think of it as an express link of acquiring new vocabularies instantaneously, while writing. If not then, just when else? Apart of when you're reading novels, (if time permits; and if you're a fast reader, that's obviously not one of my qualities) there won't be so much time for leisure in campus. Even reading daily newspaper was a hardship.

So if using thesaurus when writing isn't good, how should it be then? I shared with Dr. Coutts that synonyms can't simply be chosen randomly because one synonym don't share the same definition with the other-and as it suggests, only one or two would have a perfectly matching definition with a particular context. A different context would have to do with a different diction, that's what it is about.

This time she nodded vigorously. Good that you know that, she said.

Good, I almost cried when she asked what was in my head. It sounded a bit harsh, but she was more motherly in her intention, compared to my very own lecturer in her conversation with me. She fed me the possibility of failing again. And again. And again-who wouldn't puke. I believe in my abilities. and I have too little concern when she says "You'd fail when you go there." Not until I stop working.

But what happened was a scene to learn from. If Pedagogy had not been one, this should. Writing isn't about impressing people to an extreme extent, but to make life easy for them by allowing them some space to mull over the ideas, and comprehend the lines.




"It's not about falling. It's about getting up each time you fall."
-Madam Mariah Ibrahim.


Another lesson is that-a good teacher encourages her students to outshine, not kill their guts with demotivating threats. And yeah. We learn Classroom Management too. Our lovable lecturer taught us that a good teacher provides non-hostile environment for learning. Not teach in a hostile environment by threatening everyone about failing a paper. After all, which is more severe than the other; students failing in exam, or a teacher failing to stimulate minds and generate active participation all the while in classes and lectures, ALL BEFORE the big day comes? Is the big day our only focus, and not lifelong knowledge and skill acquisition? Is that what the National Education Philosophy suggested, to be exam oriented? Is that a point that a teacher could be excused for overlooking? Being a teacher-or a class manager isn't about unleashing our internal desire of showing who was boss. It's about polishing a handfull of diamonds, refining it, and finding every edge from which it could shine-until each would shine the brightest from every side, one as brilliant as all the other.  Talking about bringing out each student's unique quality without the slightest hint of favouritism. That is a wilfull teacher's commitment.


Salam.

Sleepless Night. (BTN wrap-up)

It went to be beyond expectation, friends that were sisters to each other tearfully hated to see each other's face, friends who were brothers refused to speak. It went to that extent.

When he shouted, I didn't mind. I thought that it was just him, in his another episode of unstable emotion phase, or you'd say him being simply 'emo', maybe. I couldn't care less, and had made an early preparation for such situation as it had occurred quite some time ago.

It took a few hours for me to realise that the whole drama wasn't just a game, but pure reality. How a group of people can possibly turn the table, it crossed my mind. The hall was ours, and no one could simply walk in and snatch the flag we made without difficulties-at the very least, not without listening to less wonderful words. Or signs. 'Cause we weren't really allowed to speak, as in the rules and regulation of the game-which was by then over, without us knowing just when. To me it was because there was no clear summary of the activity. No "congratulations-you've-made-it!" or "now-you-see-that's-how-it-would-be-like-to-fight-for-your-country's-sovereignty-" NO NOTHING. It just ended with us being splashed with water and all of a sudden, we were shooed out, saying that the game was over. (Huh? That's the end?) People were whispering underneath the soaked flag, "what should we do next?" One asked. We joined the pieces of clothes to form a Jalur Gemilang and nobody came to tell us that we've made it, instead we were told to simply leave the hall. I just couldn't understand.



So it got out of control. It became one sleepless night. My teeth clattered from the biting night breeze, my shirt was a wet blanket that wrapped me in.

Freak, how angry he was. I think with everyone, and especially me. I guess I screwed things up. And how confused I was, still. I didn't mean to intimidate, I didn't mean to make him believe that I'm saying he was a liar, I didn't mean to not believe him in the first place! I didn't. I plainly believed that it was a game, that was what I told him the next day. But that night he refused to talk or look at me when I call. It upset me most, thinking that a few days ago we had laughed together over the phone. But I think he was doing the right thing. Though it hurt.


It was only after 4.00 am that we got to sleep, and woke up the next morning at 5.30 am for prayer.


Peculiarly the next morning everyone was back laughing, everyone forgot about last night, everyone cheered with each other. Everyone sat together and memorised the nation's acts for the test. Act 3, Act 153, 154, 181...everything. And none talked about what happened the night before. And the exam didn't give much trouble for us all.


I remember. Someone cried hard last night. Today it shows, that her eyes suffered a great deal. I went to her and called. "I'm sorry," I said.

"No, no, it wasn't your fault. I think I got to learn something from it too, it hurt me to see you guys like that and I was wondering why didn't you guys trust me," She said in between sobs.

I looked down and nodded. But no way it was her fault too, no way. Last night she was one of those who came and asked us to leave for bed, when we were straining our arms protecting each other from any threats-I don't know what on Earth it was-but I'm sorry, I AM sorry.

"Please don't keep it in your heart Hystrix," she said, placing one palm on her chest, while with another arm she gripped my neck and pulled it close to her body. I wrung my arms around her too. I heard her choke and cried with her.

"I'm sorry.." I whispered.



***

What they couldn't see was that we made it to get back together again. They said it was a failure. But-even if it was, we were a whole again, all of us. Who cares if someone shouted at the top of his lungs? Who cares if someone cursed angrily at her companion? Who cares, when in the end we got each other near again? That was what they failed to comprehend. The value of friendship, true friendship, that can withstand almost everything. It wasn't all about obeying or defying a leader, it wasn't completely about finishing the game too. It was about the value of trust, love, and friendship. A simple bond that was put to an ultimate test that night-and survived.


And it wasn't a test of whether you could keep the flag safe from a dustbin,or how long you could stay in an air-conditioned hall, with wet clothes around and wet floor underneath, panicking, thinking that it was right to stand the ground. It wasn't. Something must have failed, somewhere. Otherwise it wouldn't turn out to be that bad. But it wasn't the subject matter. It was trust, and nothing else but that, if the literal aspect was to be put aside for once.


Hey. If one day I fell and hurt my knees, I know I have friends to turn to. And if someday someone else needs help with anything, I wouldn't have to spend a minute for a reason why I should come. Because that night the curtains were drawn to reveal something that was all the while hidden from bare eyes. And a chain of inseparable hearts tied to one another glowed in a bask of sincerity.

-credit: Muhd. Sufian Shuhaimi. My little 'porcupine' brother.

In memory of Kursus Biro Tatanegara Mahasiswa ke Luar Negara, 2010.

IPG Kampus Pulau Pinang-IPG Kampus Sultan Abdul Halim.

"We'll get up together, but we'll get up as one." 
 -Faris, IPSAH.


Forever together, a union of friendship as tough as the mountains, as gracefull as the clouds. As tender as the wind.

Above Him.

For my dear; your eyes did not see, that hope has been with us all along-for you to believe, that we are not alone.

...that the sun never failed to rise until the end of time, that the moon never failed to shine the roads at night, that the morning star never ceased to smile at daybreak, that hope never dies until you stop trying. that Allah is always there to watch over us all, that He never failed to keep us safe with guidance, that I believe there's nothing else above Him. 

-Sunday,11.33 a.m.

 

To my dears, with unshakable faith in His might and our abilities. We could go far, even farther. Let us promise we'll keep on running.

 

Good luck everyone, this would be one of my last posts for the semester. The last semester in home country. In a few months time, we'll be off, tears off these memories. Please pray, upon us all be there His blessings.

A little space for every petty things.

It was as I looked out the window to the street, and see my face upon the glass.

Salam.

It is two weeks now pass my birthday. Here's one thing I do every year when I turn a year older. I wish to change a thing, as I believe that it is only myself of which I own the rights to decide, about things that go and things that don't.

This year I turn 21, and I continued the tradition. I wished to change another thing, as an addition to the last few wishes since I started the trend few years back.

The matters that came and pass me got me through, touched my heart; left young scars, while some others tapped it gently, saying hello. I have been through quite a significant span of time, when everything happened. Things that confused me. Things that amused me.

I realised that I was climbing up gripping harder and harder. I took everything in, not leaving even a bit of everything behind. And soon it pained me, it pained me as I took it hard. I wished to be better, every now and then, I sing the same words with new tunes. But I left out one word in my songs.


I forgive but hardly forget. As the wind gets rougher, I abandoned the scent of forgiveness, and took up lessons on forgetting. That means that I would try my best to forget, while not having the need to forgive for I felt that it got heavier on my shoulders. Too heavy, I hesitated to let it slip down.

And I lived happily. Or at least I thought I did.

It was not until recently that I realised, that I couldn't go on living that way. I thought that I was good at forgetting, if not forgiving. Turned out that I was wrong, all wrong.

I did badly at both. I could neither forgive, while I meet dead ends trying to forget.

I did not love the taste of poisons being fed to my lungs, I hated the sight, but kept seeing the same anger. Lost hopes, abandoned dreams. I never left the field, the one I call my battlefield. I turn down the enemies of my emotions the way I desire, but still I didn't get to leave for home. I held my shield close, and pointed my pierce upright. But my enemies were shadows. They were shadows of the diminished.

I never left the field. Even if there was no one to front.

Now, still, the shadows stand amongst some concrete figures, the enemies I know, the ones that really exist. But they are not as much as the shadows. I could slowly curve a smile. Those days the flakes were hitting hard, it's always a grin of pain.

If only the battles were easier, it would not get this far. But I am grateful I found a way out, and I am glad that I am slowly finding my way.

I wished recently to change another thing. I wished that I would grow more forgiving, I wished that it would feel lighter, to forgive.


These scars, I don't know which would fade first. But I'd like to believe that they all would, in time. I would like to see every good things bloom again, and their yellow petals cover the scars as they heal. I hope to believe again, I hope never to fight shadows again. I pray to be strong, I pray that when the time comes that I need courage, it would come. I am never afraid to face the road, I will never stop walking them. It is what I found along the journey that matters. I should be picking up what's good- true friendship that comes only once in a long while, and advices my parents planned to share.