Above Him.

For my dear; your eyes did not see, that hope has been with us all along-for you to believe, that we are not alone.

...that the sun never failed to rise until the end of time, that the moon never failed to shine the roads at night, that the morning star never ceased to smile at daybreak, that hope never dies until you stop trying. that Allah is always there to watch over us all, that He never failed to keep us safe with guidance, that I believe there's nothing else above Him. 

-Sunday,11.33 a.m.

 

To my dears, with unshakable faith in His might and our abilities. We could go far, even farther. Let us promise we'll keep on running.

 

Good luck everyone, this would be one of my last posts for the semester. The last semester in home country. In a few months time, we'll be off, tears off these memories. Please pray, upon us all be there His blessings.

Firewalls.

"But I live in this cubicle of firewalls, can't you see? She said. And you are one who chose to stand out among all the other impostors-"

"-Impostors, you call?"

"Impostors," she strained the words.

"Who does what?"

"Who wishes for the world to leave, to vanish, when you yourself are too afraid to leave the world. Hah. Hedonism, that you crave for;"

"Silence!" The other hissed.

"No,you. Not me, not now."

"Oh you. Just what do you know about the world. Hedonism, you say, what do you know about the world!"

"I don't, not much maybe. Well has it any difference on you? What do you know about the world? Look at you. You're scared. Too scared to lose. Well if I am a Narcissist, I won't lie. You? You're too afraid you would lose this body to the ground, to the dirt, when one day your soul is sucked out of your lungs, you would scream-"

"Silence-"

"-you would scream, all these, everything, you feel that the world is going to leave, but it's going to be you! How you would wish that you could plead to stay, and you would scream, you would plead for everything to come with you,"

"-Shut up!!"

There was silence. Until she started to move her lips to speak again, head tilted to salute the pebbles near her toes.

"We live in two different worlds. We don't fit each other. I live in this cubicle of firewalls while you are the fire. You don't think you'd be able to knock on my door, do you?"

Every reason to walk away became a refugee, somewhere underneath locked closets of secrets. Too difficult to reach. An arm soon strove up. What is this feeling, this...


"You're a sad being. Huh. Too bad I am even worse. I waited for you."

As she turned she ripped it off. It was her heart, bleeding, beating. It slipped off her hand, effortlessly with a splatter the colour of crimson.

"Huh," She giggled. "Pitiful creature, me."

A little space for every petty things.

It was as I looked out the window to the street, and see my face upon the glass.

Salam.

It is two weeks now pass my birthday. Here's one thing I do every year when I turn a year older. I wish to change a thing, as I believe that it is only myself of which I own the rights to decide, about things that go and things that don't.

This year I turn 21, and I continued the tradition. I wished to change another thing, as an addition to the last few wishes since I started the trend few years back.

The matters that came and pass me got me through, touched my heart; left young scars, while some others tapped it gently, saying hello. I have been through quite a significant span of time, when everything happened. Things that confused me. Things that amused me.

I realised that I was climbing up gripping harder and harder. I took everything in, not leaving even a bit of everything behind. And soon it pained me, it pained me as I took it hard. I wished to be better, every now and then, I sing the same words with new tunes. But I left out one word in my songs.


I forgive but hardly forget. As the wind gets rougher, I abandoned the scent of forgiveness, and took up lessons on forgetting. That means that I would try my best to forget, while not having the need to forgive for I felt that it got heavier on my shoulders. Too heavy, I hesitated to let it slip down.

And I lived happily. Or at least I thought I did.

It was not until recently that I realised, that I couldn't go on living that way. I thought that I was good at forgetting, if not forgiving. Turned out that I was wrong, all wrong.

I did badly at both. I could neither forgive, while I meet dead ends trying to forget.

I did not love the taste of poisons being fed to my lungs, I hated the sight, but kept seeing the same anger. Lost hopes, abandoned dreams. I never left the field, the one I call my battlefield. I turn down the enemies of my emotions the way I desire, but still I didn't get to leave for home. I held my shield close, and pointed my pierce upright. But my enemies were shadows. They were shadows of the diminished.

I never left the field. Even if there was no one to front.

Now, still, the shadows stand amongst some concrete figures, the enemies I know, the ones that really exist. But they are not as much as the shadows. I could slowly curve a smile. Those days the flakes were hitting hard, it's always a grin of pain.

If only the battles were easier, it would not get this far. But I am grateful I found a way out, and I am glad that I am slowly finding my way.

I wished recently to change another thing. I wished that I would grow more forgiving, I wished that it would feel lighter, to forgive.


These scars, I don't know which would fade first. But I'd like to believe that they all would, in time. I would like to see every good things bloom again, and their yellow petals cover the scars as they heal. I hope to believe again, I hope never to fight shadows again. I pray to be strong, I pray that when the time comes that I need courage, it would come. I am never afraid to face the road, I will never stop walking them. It is what I found along the journey that matters. I should be picking up what's good- true friendship that comes only once in a long while, and advices my parents planned to share.

Makna.

Tika saat gembira menjengah, rasa rindu tak senang pergi.

Salam.

Masanya hampir tiba. Ramadhan yang akan berlalu biarlah menghadiahkan seribu rahmat atas pengorbanan selama sebulan. Aidilfitri yang menjelang biarlah mengukuhkan makna sebuah pemberian. Kasih-sayang. Seribu erti yang dibingkiskan Ramadhan. Kasih Tuhan, limpah rahmat-Nya, sebuah kemanisan yang hanya dinikmati orang yang benar-benar beriman.

Alangkah indahnya.

Alangkah indahnya jika selalu begini, dilimpahi kasih dan cinta Ilahi. Satu-satunya bulan yang melimpah-ruah dengan redup keampunan-Nya, sebuah bulan yang mengandungi rahsia anugerah bercahaya dari-Nya. Bulan yang penuh dengan kasih luar biasa. Bulan anugerah tanpa syarat, semata-mata kasih Pencipta terhadap hamba-Nya. Alangkah indahnya jika selalu begini.

Yang telah pergi akan berpaling kembali, namun janganlah melangkah tanpa mendengar kata-kataku ini. Aku sayang padamu, dan ampun, aku tak mampu mengucup lembut jemarimu lagi. Aku kasih padamu. Genap sepurnama pertemuan maya ini, terima kasih atas kesudianmu menjengahku lagi, dan tidak mampu-sungguh aku tidak mampu selain dari membalas kunjungmu saat hening pagi Aidilfitri nanti, akan kupohon doa moga sejahtera rohmu selalu. Sungguh aku akan kembali merinduimu.

Buat Ayah dan Ibu, kasihmu begitu dalam, tak mungkin maaf akan menutup segala salah silapku. Namun Ayah dan Ibu, tanpamu yang sedia mengusap dan memaafkan walau sebesar lautan sekalipun kesalahanku, adalah suatu keajaiban yang entah bila akan anakmu ini mengerti.

Guru, walau apapun gelaranku buatmu dari saat mula mengenal huruf hinggalah saatku menuntut untuk kembali mendidik jiwa-jiwa hijau, doaku moga sejahtera dirimu selalu.

Sahabat yang kusayang, pengganti adik, kakak dan abang.  Hadirmu dalam hidupku bukan sekadar wajah-wajah biasa, tapi jiwa yang satu ritma, yang satu hala. Ku tahu kau juga sepertiku. Sabarlah sahabat, atas segala duka atau perit sepanjang jauh dari pelukan keluarga. Satu hari nanti akan kita genggam segulung kejayaan, akan kau bawa pulang untuk kenang-kenangan atas kegigihan kau dan aku selama ini.

Dan kamu, temanku yang setia. Yang selalu bersapa, dan mungkin juga belum pernah bersua. Hadirmu sangat kuhargai, kerana kau sudi meneliti saatku menitip rasa hati. Doaku buatmu, semoga gembira di mana jua kau berada, semoga kau dilimpahi rahmat-Nya.



Setiap detik dalam hidup adalah anugerah-Nya yang cukup bererti. Cuma rahsianya terkadang agak mendalam, mungkin teralpa dalam menyusuri perjalanan. Mungkin terleka saat menelah erti kehidupan. Namun tetap, setiap saat yang berlalu membawa seribu pengertian. Begitulah Ramadhan, yang disusuli Syawal. Tidak mungkin kosong tanpa pengisian, semestinya. Telusurilah. Jika kurang, carilah. Jika tiada, pohonlah. Jika sukar, usahalah. Jika lelah, berharaplah. Hanya pada-Nya, Pencipta Maha Agung.


Jenguklah kembali wahai Ramadhan, anugerahkanlah usia, wahai Tuhan. Sambutlah hadirku dengan keberkatan, Syawal, dan bawalah dalam hati kami ini pengertian, sebuah hadiah, makna pengorbanan atas dasar kasih-sayang yang diajarkan Ramadhan.

Salam Aidilfitri, moga dilingkungi kasih dan rahmat-Nya,amin..

Super savers!

...Motive: Saving some after losing some. 

 

Salam.

Let's see what we have here.

Day 1

Minced beef with mushrooms in tomato gravy and raisins.

 

Day 2

Butter-fried minced beef with herbs and pepper. (and raisins,and...nuts. My favourite!)

Some experiments that are best enjoyed with pitta bread, the first one has an Italian fusion from its gravy that is a mixture of mushrooms in tomato sauce, and garlic. Second is a brainchild (a very simple one) that came from my observation of Middle-East cooking style. Much emphasize given to the taste of spice, the minced beef is marinated with fried spice powder and pepper before the mixture is fried again to obtain some taste of bazaars specialty-kebab flavoured fried minced beef. More enhanced fried with butter, for both beef and butter compliments each other perfectly. Spice..check, butter..check, As the final touch, added in are some raisins and nuts to make sure it's Middle East. Hm...two days of fasting, two kinds simple-bujang-style cooking. But I'm running out of variety for ingredients. The ingredients I have in store is only sufficient for about two varieties off recipes-well maybe three if I can work out an idea by tomorrow noon. If you have invented some awesome recipes don't hesitate to shout the name out, okie! (and maybe later we can talk about starting a business...you know, ) Now, now, I'm joking!


Wish you happy fasting my dear pals, may the blessed month witness our doubled efforts and elevates our senses in search for His love and shower of blessings..amin. Let us set our goals straight for nothing but self improvement,and may we succeed by His will..

Danke!

Take the bait.

I mean take the bait, baybeee..!

Salam.

Blogging at dead of night. Flu's running down my nose like tap water, 'cause I walked up to-well-here's the sequence.


Tomyam fried rice for dinner --> Can't take the blazing chillies (not brave enough as Nando's would put it) --> Orders another glass of cold drink --> Still, blazing --> Goes up to 1 Stop for rescue --> Rainwashed --> Running nose.


Purrrrfect!

Will be visiting Hutchings next week for a fortnight, School Experience pal. Plenty, no, lots of tasks required to be completed within the duration, the most exciting part being doing the observation and data collection themselves.


Oh, please this just won't stop! Flu, I said stop! Goodness!

Yes, lots of things going around, finished presenting Humanistic and Social Learning Theory this morning, sent in my entries for the institute's photography contest organised by Kelab Media IPG KPP, and other stuffs as usual.

I sent two entries, point and shoot (where my C510 had served) and DSLR (Lumix DMC-FZ7's job). Anxious about whether my photos do even stand a chance, I hope that this first experience of joining a photography contest will bore good things in return, not talking about winning or losing 'cause there's a lot more than winning, I say.

Competing with far more skilled fellows and my own room mate. :D That shakes my nerves with anxiety. How can you throw away this feelings, tell me someone!

I'll try to upload the photos I put as the first baits, if Mr. Jilie Baharin find something in 'em.


Please wish me luck, ya!

Plus, PC Fair's in Penang. Come down if you have the time peeps, but it sure is a sea of people-always; I'm telling you. But you'll find great things worth coming for. An another thing, don't wait till the last day for special prices cause the trick brought little great news back home these days, lately. Psst. They knew the game. Ow noe!


Nice day!

Into Something New.

As dilly dallies go on, so does life.

Salam.

Pardon my frustration which came obviously visible in what I've said recently. But yes, life goes on, it knocks on the door and sends you things-sometimes a bouquet and some other times, things that are worst. That is just why blogs are overwhelmed with emotions. Because life is hardly ever less persuasive, and emotions are wild. But conscience rules, though at times somebody's furious voice may climb over the pitch and be everywhere chaotic nags. And laptops are the closest friend of all where you'd blog.

In short I've grown tired of it all, most sincerely admitting. And I have found several bowls of soups of which flavours to me are still new-but yeah-I'm into it.

Talking about

CLASSROOM MANAGEMENT

...which stands first in my list of favourite subjects. I'd do anything to catch up, lecturers are all fantastic, each with his/her own style of delivering lessons. In teaching one ought to hold on to a belief. Well yes, several beliefs, if the needs arise. Belief here is not religion, no animisme or any sort-it's similar to your unique style. Something that drives you into teaching. Something that flies you into the wonders of dissolving into the little souls you're teaching. Then come these theories where you have-well, behaviourism, cognitivism, humanism, social learning-and these methods you call with all sorts of names-bear me a minute for I need to check out my text if what's written here are precise.

Yeah, and there's just more I would put in only if it wouldn't seem dragged.

Since there will be no examination on this subject, it is assigned that we prepare three video logs that are regarded with a more sophisticated (the word?) term that is Active Log. All throughout the semester, we would have three logs sent in, democratically (another theory) or liberally for us to decide on what's going to be recorded. We're given the freedom to talk about just anything under the guideline topics of teaching and classroom management-and that's why CM is one that makes most sense. It is practised, not just preached. Things that are learned are observed and tested on us ourselves; by US ourselves. So we'd understand why education needs a concrete shifting bench to elevate it into a different dimension. So we'd see how much difference would come in with the initiating act of one. With the decision of one. Our mindset must first change for all other changes to take place.

Weekly brainwash presented my mind with one game after another of advance tic tac toe. No, sudoku suits better. Ideas that came from distracting hundred miles per hour of ponders bore new attractions.

I have finally came to a consensus.

I'm going to explore the new roads. I'm taking this in as a whole. I'll try-though it is even harder than saying how it is hard to do-I'll try.


Video Logging is indeed as interesting as it sounds. And my gang's into it. :) This can't be more exciting, let's see how the outcomes would look once they're done. It's the only escape from all miseries, that's finding some time to spend on something that would excite you.


You have a great weekend.

Luka Mana.

Ya, itu tajuk lagu Hujan. Ya, saya dengar lagu Hujan. Lagu nasyid? Ya juga, tapi apa juga sama sahaja. Lagipun, siapalah saya. Sinikal.


Salam.


Pernah merasa bermacam jenis manisan. Tapi di dalamnya ada racun yang pasti membunuh dan sudah cukup tahu. Tapi tidak juga mahu serik, sebab ubat itu juga pahit, dan adalah salah untuk membuat berbagai andaian tanpa mempelajari fakta. Sinikal kali kedua.

Salah.


Saya petik sedikit lirik lagu Luka Mana, maaf saya ini kurang layak untuk memetik titipan indah bahasa lagu-lagu karangan Maher Zain,. Katanya 'luka mana yang tak pedih.'


Luka mana yang tak pedih.


Kata orang, jangan tulis itu dan ini yang tidak manis dalam laman maya. Tapi bibirku kurang petah berbicara. Hatiku jenis yang selalu kecamuk minta ditenangkan. Mata sering menangis dalam diam, meratap jiwa yang merayu minta rintihannya didengari. Minta permohonannya diperkenan. Tapi pada siapa, jika bukan pada dia Ibu yang juga berkongsi tangisan hingga buat diriku sesal tak terhingga. Pada ayah yang cukup banyak tanggungjawabnya hingga timbul rasa serba-salah untuk menambah satu, dua dan tiga lagi dalam kotak fikirannya dan pada sahabat yang jauh di seberang sana, yang masing-masing juga sama rasa, jadi pada siapa.


Pada siapa.


Teman datang dan pergi, hati bersepah dengan memori.

...turut berkecai saat begini. Ukirlah senyumanmu dan pandanglah setiap luka ini. Satu, satu, dan satu lagi. Sudah puas diubati hingga jemu sudah menanti untuk penawar hadir lagi. Hanya pada Dia. Adakah aku sehina pandangan mereka padaku, wahai penakluk hati, wahai Pencipta semesta? Hanya Kau berkuasa atas segalanya, hatiku sudah cukup luka. Walau beribu tinggi pun banjaran ini kudaki, tetap tak sama jejakku dengan mereka. Walau sedalam manapun laut-Mu ini kuselam, tetap tak sedalam pandangan mereka terhadap ilmu-Mu. Walau sejauh manapun tanah-Mu ini kujelajahi, tetap tak seiring ritma hatiku dengan atma mereka. Aku tentang apa yang mereka tentang, kerana-Mu. Aku sokong apa yang mereka perjuang, tiada lain hanya kerana-Mu. Aku bergadai air mata bergolok sahabat, tidak lain kerana-Mu. Aku senyum, tertawa dan menagis di sisi mereka yang ku sebut-sebut sahabat,




tapi hampa.




Wahai hati, redakanlah amukmu. Aku sudah cukup puas menangis. Hentikanlah rayumu, aku tak mampu melindungmu lagi. Kamu berdarah dan begitu juga aku. Lihatlah aku wahai hati, lihatlah aku. Dengarlah rintihku. Aku dibaluti luka yang selama ini kulindung darimu. Sesuatu yang cuma olok-olok,tiada siapa tahu, cuma kita, tapi bukan mereka. Jelaslah bukan, tentang endah. Sesuatu yang sering kucari di dada langit makin hilang. Bintang-bintang yang akan memandumu. Kamu dan aku akan berpadu menjadi satu, jasadku yang selama ini merupakan perisaimu. Kamu dan aku akan menjadi satu. Yang pasti takkan berpadu dengan mereka. Langkah kita akan sekata, tapi bukan dengan mereka. Laut ini akan kita selam, tapi bukan bersama mereka.

Perjuanganmu adalah kehendakku, lantangku adalah apa kandungmu, hati. Akan kupasak tanah ini jika itu yang kau mahu. Akan kubisik dalam mimpi-mimpi mereka,. Akan kuturut pintamu hati, hentikanlah amukmu. Kerana aku tahu kamu sudah jenak dengan pujukanku. Dan aku juga sudah jenak dengan semua lakonan ini.

Mereka kata usahlah hiaskan maya ini dengan kata hati. Jadi pada siapa? Itu cuma kata mereka. Mereka yang bertopengkan kebaikan atas misi untuk menyingkirkan sebanyak mana beban yang mampu. Beban. Tanggungjawab. Atas nama kebaikan. Yang dikonon-kononkan. Ya sahabat, aku memang pandai berbahas-kerana ini kata hati, bukan bibirku yang cuma mampu mengukir senyum tiap saat puas darahku kau saksikan mengalir. Takkan sanggup melukakanmu walau sekali. Kerana kau sahabat. Kusangka ia sepatutnya begitu.


Tak pernah mahu kau fikir yang aku ini punya hati. Yang zahir padamu aku ini bukan selayaknya untuk berlari bersama. Tak sehebatmu. Tapi aku masih milik-Nya, penakluk hatimu dan juga hatiku, yang hina.


Nafas yang dihembuskan-Nya ke dalam jasadku tidak semulia nafasmu. Demi itu derap kakiku tak mungkin sama dengan langkahmu. Aku bukan layaknya di sampingmu walau apa sekalipun. Padamlah api perjuanganmu ini, kerana langit yang kupandang, tetaplah langitku jua. Kerana langkah yang kau orak tetaplah langkahmu jua.